I would really like to write those blog posts that teach you how to bake something amazing (and I can actually bake), or give you step by step instructions on getting through another deployment, or showing you how to turn your rental home into a retro sheik place to be; however, if I am being honest that will be few and far between if at all.
I have owned a few homes I actually loved and then we got orders. I have worked jobs I thought could really be careers and then we got orders. I have been through multiple deployments and went through every baking, and crafting stage possible. You know what–I still felt unsatisfied. I often feel like my head is being sat on just like our little pup likes to sit on our other dogs head!
So if you read my blog it won’t necessarily up lift or inspire. Nope, but I bet sometimes you will think, “Well all be darned I am not alone!” In a few weeks I will back in single parent mode. I am still searching daily for a decent paying job that won’t make me sacrifice my entire families well-being. A job with M-F daytime hours and a liberal leave policy so when we actually do get to have family vacations I can get time off!
This last move for me has been strange. Basically we are thrilled to be in Washington, but I feel like we have gone backwards in time. I am back in a “not so great” rental with more quirks and annoyances than “charm”. I look at the shit brown walls and often reflect on my days in green carpeted apartments when rent was low and my well-being was thought of. It is an affordable rental in a housing market that is outrageously over priced on BAH that is significantly too low for the area. I tried joining the pages on FB that will tell me how jazz it up, but the carpets still look like they are from the 70s (stains and all) the cabinets still don’t all close properly, and the set up is still not desirable. I think–hey girl you got a roof over your head and all is great. No…no this sucks to have literally gone backwards in life.
Yet, this is part of the life I somewhat chose so you keep going. That is until your spouse is gone for months on end, your kids complain that they can’t ride their bikes unless I load them up and we go somewhere with no busy roads, and your sanity is so far on the verge of combustion that you take frequent “mom time outs” in hopes the feelings of despair will pass. Then your spouse calls for a Skype session and every blog tells you to say everything is fine. It is not always fine. It is difficult and takes its toll and the brown walls are now the sore point of your existence.
Despite all of the annoyance that occur, despite the feelings of hopelessness that sometime creep in, despite the feeling that someone is sitting on your head–you get up every day and keep trying. I use to only focus on the future and the what ifs. Now I realize I am missing out on too much if that is all I think about it. So, yes I hate the stupid brown walls and cabinets that don’t close right. Yes, I am less than thrilled with the job market, and the lack of decent housing options–regardless I will find the silver lining and the happy moments with my kids, with my spouse, with me. However it is okay to also sometimes throw the covers over your head and say–Not today, today I say screw you brown walls and shitty cabinets, screw you dryer that has to run twice to dry one load, screw you deployment and crappy job options I am staying in bed and reading all day!