When you are in the military you are familiar with the deployment cycles and subsequent TDYs that occur between the deployments.  It was never easy to leave, but as the one going there was an element of excitement and also the knowledge of how busy I would be most of the time.

I made the mistake (HA–wouldn’t change it for the world) of also marrying the military and then becoming a dependant.  What in the world was I thinking?  I had no idea that being the one left behind, with the kids, and the dogs, and of course Murphy’s law occurring would BE WAY MORE DIFFICULT than being the one going.  I have been the one going.  Yes it is hard, yes I missed my family, but it was different.

Part of the problem—and yes this has become a problem–is that my spouse is my person, my very best friend.  So although I am a very independent individual and can handle most stuff all on my lonesome (including all the yard work hehehe) I always feel a huge chunk of me being ripped away each time he leaves.  As the years have gone on the ripping hurts way more than I ever thought possible.

This gets tricky.  It hurts more cause our relationship is strong, and complete.  Sometimes that causes distance…distance because I feel too weak and start pulling away in order to survive.  It is a vicious, stupid circle.

As the dependent, back on the “home front” you cope.  You bitch, you get pissed, you cry, you find projects to fill your time, you work harder than ever, your kids seem more insane than usual, something, or everything breaks and you just deal.  Some days you feel like a damn super hero, some days you crawl into bed and ball yourself to sleep.  Your bedroom causes sadness because your spouse isn’t there.  sometimes you sleep on the couch to avoid the sadness of your room.

You spend every moment you are not together and not able to talk praying or begging or hoping your best friend is safe.  If you suffer even a bit from anxiety or depression there are times it seems hopeless, but if you have kids that is just too damn bad cause you WILL be their rock.

This one is hurting worse than others.  I am not okay, but I will get through it.  We all get through it.


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