One more deployment; hurts worse each time.

One more deployment; hurts worse each time.

When you are in the military you are familiar with the deployment cycles and subsequent TDYs that occur between the deployments.  It was never easy to leave, but as the one going there was an element of excitement and also the knowledge of how busy I would be most of the time.

I made the mistake (HA–wouldn’t change it for the world) of also marrying the military and then becoming a dependant.  What in the world was I thinking?  I had no idea that being the one left behind, with the kids, and the dogs, and of course Murphy’s law occurring would BE WAY MORE DIFFICULT than being the one going.  I have been the one going.  Yes it is hard, yes I missed my family, but it was different.

Part of the problem—and yes this has become a problem–is that my spouse is my person, my very best friend.  So although I am a very independent individual and can handle most stuff all on my lonesome (including all the yard work hehehe) I always feel a huge chunk of me being ripped away each time he leaves.  As the years have gone on the ripping hurts way more than I ever thought possible.

This gets tricky.  It hurts more cause our relationship is strong, and complete.  Sometimes that causes distance…distance because I feel too weak and start pulling away in order to survive.  It is a vicious, stupid circle.

As the dependent, back on the “home front” you cope.  You bitch, you get pissed, you cry, you find projects to fill your time, you work harder than ever, your kids seem more insane than usual, something, or everything breaks and you just deal.  Some days you feel like a damn super hero, some days you crawl into bed and ball yourself to sleep.  Your bedroom causes sadness because your spouse isn’t there.  sometimes you sleep on the couch to avoid the sadness of your room.

You spend every moment you are not together and not able to talk praying or begging or hoping your best friend is safe.  If you suffer even a bit from anxiety or depression there are times it seems hopeless, but if you have kids that is just too damn bad cause you WILL be their rock.

This one is hurting worse than others.  I am not okay, but I will get through it.  We all get through it.

Making where you have to be a Home

In the military you may or may not be stationed a lot of different places.  Some people stay in one or maybe two places their entire career.  Some are constantly being moved.  Minus our overseas assignment every place we have moved to I have been told: “This is it…this is our last assignment!”  You would think I would have learned my lesson about 10 years ago, but I still believe it every time.  We stayed at our first duty station 7 years, then we went to our next one and bought our first house cause that was it, we weren’t leaving.  Seemed pretty plausible at the time.  A few short years later we were overseas.  After that assignment we went to a new place and THAT was definitely it…so we bought our second home.  HA…it was less than a year before we moved again.  Now we are in a new place and own two homes and there is no way in hell I am buying another!

So we are renting a strange townhouse, with plenty of space but awkward issues.  It is on a somewhat busy, somewhat “Hicksville” like road with too much traffic, but no neighborhood to speak of.  And it is dark and dingy.  After decided we were NOT going to buy AGAIN (which most definitely means we will not get orders ever) I decided it was time to embrace the strange and make it home.  First up…paint.  Paint is cheap and does wonders.  I asked the landlords and then went to town.  Light paint on the walls with a nice accent wall here and there can completely transform dark and dingy to light and somewhat airy.  Next, decals.  They make so many cool decals for the walls now and if you get bored with them you peel the suckers off!

New furniture is a nice touch if you can afford to, or need to!  New always makes your heart feel better.  Some flowers, or a garden can cheer up any dingy backyard or front porch.  New decor in general adds whimsy and delight!  Most importantly being creative.  you can’t fix a poor layout or the location of a reasonable rentals (yes rentals here are slim pickings and they are massively overpriced so you jump on what you can afford that pretty much works!  I hate the back yard and the chain link fence (why do people use chain link?) so I shall plant shrubs and flowers to help hide the ugly.

I dislike the layout, but I can be creative with how we use the space.  I cannot fix where we live, but I can explore where we live and if all else fails I can get in my damn car and drive to the nice parks, or walking trails.  Hell if you want to spend the money you can buy light fixtures that suit your taste more, or even appliances like washers and dryers if the ones that came with are below the bar.  CURTAINS can cover and add flare.  Replace the hardware on drawers or faucets.  It all depends on how much you want to spend to make a place feel like home that it isn’t yours.

If I invest too much we will get orders again…hell if I find a dream job we will too so best not chance it!

Wanderlust meets too broke…

Wanderlust meets too broke…

It’s Spring Break for my kids and despite dreaming of an awesome vacation or tropical drinks in the sand or even the hell of Disneyland we went to my parents.   See, the man-child I live with (aka-husband type) had to “work”, and since I still don’t have a real job there was no chance I was staying at home with two restless kids.  Plus, what kind of “flat Stanley” story would that be for my first grader (why do teachers insist on the torture of these little projects).

The man-child deploys fairly soon and leaving him for the week was not ideal but again my sanity was at stake.  Off the kids and I went on a 6 hour car ride to my parents-whom at least live on the coast…a flipping cold coast, but the ocean nonetheless.

What occurred less than hour from leaving-my tire pressure light came on.  So I stopped at the first gas station and checked my pressure like a boss.  We made it safely despite almost throwing my daughter from a mountain top as she asked to pee  far too often.

At my parents house we gazed upon the water wishing for warmth and being hit in the face with freezing wind.  We ate too much, we went to the free pool cause it’s free, and played board games galore.  We had a great week actually.  Then my stupid FB told me that two years ago this week my family was in Rome…really FB?  Really?

Despite it all life is good.  I’m stuck with wanderlust disease to the max, but the kids had fun and I wasn’t having to entertain them 24/7.  Driving home tomorrow to restart the norm, prepare for single parent hood again, keep job searching, and trying to remember to be thankful for all we have (sometimes I succeed, sometimes I want to throw stuff all about in a toddler fit of “but why can’t I just feel settled”).  How was your Spring Break?